Vacation for Myself

I needs one.

I type this as my Coke is bubbling out the top of my straw. Why does it do that in bottles, but not in Fountain drinks? Carbonation levels?

Irrelevant. The point is I need a way to remove the narrator from my head for like...24 hours, so I can get some peace up there.

Yes, I have a narrator in my head. Go ahead and laugh, it's all very amusing when it's not you that has to live with her. She sits up there and supplies all the things I would like to say but can't-- either because they're too mean and I don't have the heart to, or because they're too weird even for me.

You ever seen the show "Burn Notice"? You know how Mike narrators stuff like "When you're a spy you do x best by doing c"? Stuff like that.

"When you're me, you learn quickly that setting foot outside is a calculated risk. To get anything done, you have to do it, but chances are good something odd and/or terrible is going to happen once you do. So, you spent your first five minutes of consciousness every morning deciding if what you want is really actually worth it."

For the record, there has never been a day when food has been worth it. Maybe that's part of the problem.

Today, class really wasn't worth it either. I got up, went to work, and then hid in a dark corner of the Union because the last place I seem to want to be lately is my apartment.

It tends to be like that when I go home for short periods. Not long enough for them to get sick of me (come on guys, I know you do), just long enough to remind me how much I miss...I miss having friends. I miss having people I could actually hear laughing at my jokes, and I miss that feeling of walking in the door and knowing I have somewhere I belong.

I'm an independent person, by nature. I think I always have been. A dreamer. All of my favorite songs are talking about flying and flying away.

But even eagles don't fly forever, and every once and a while I need something besides myself to keep me up. My family always loves and supports me and I know that. But the difference between knowing and feeling is rather extreme.

That's another thing the narrator in my head does. She tells me what I'm feeling, and that seems to be enough for me.

Everyone else however...I've discovered that the vast majority of my acquaintances think I don't feel anything at all. Which is horribly untrue.

They've come to this conclusion because when something catastrophic hits my life, it is rare that I react with more than a shrug, or-- worst case scenario-- a few silent tears. When I'm excited about something, or something great just happened...I still react with little more than a small smile and a shrug.

This is, of course, only where people can see me. It's not that I'm against showing emotion in front of others. I don't think it's a weakness or anything, exactly. I just...I feel like people need me to be solid. They expect me to be steady. Good ol' reliable Aubrey. I've seen people's faces when I do break down, and they get even more upset than I am. It's not a comfortable feeling, because then I know I let them down.

I can't stand letting people down.

All of this has been a ridiculously self-aware (I pride myself on being so), supplied oh so helpfully by my narrator who does nothing but analysis of what I'm doing and why I'm doing it every second of every day.

I really just want it to shut up. I want that annoying little "You're lying. Why are you lying? Normal people wouldn't lie about that. You don't even *need* to lie about that?" and the "Wow, that was awkward, why to kill the conversation by choking on your foot", and "Why are you trying to play ninja? Are you really that lame and paranoid. Yes, you are." to just stop.

Come to think of it, my narrator is very critical.

Normally I can ignore her and really just not care two cents about what she says, but she's been getting louder lately (happens when I'm tired and stressed, I think). It wears on you, after a while.

So...anyone know how to book a flight to Miami for you brain?